How To Deal With A Toddler In Just 100 Easy Steps

Step 1:  Get A Toddler.

Step 2:  Toddler asks for something (cup, spoon, toy – anything that can be weaponized.).

Step 3:  Parent gives Toddler the object.

Step 4:  Toddler hurls object at parent’s head.

Step 5:  After getting hit, Parent shakes head disapprovingly at Toddler.

Step 6:  Toddler shrieks like a barn owl.

Step 7:  Parent feels guilty.

Step 8:  Parent gives Toddler one more chance with the object.

Step 9:  Toddler hurls object at a light fixture and chips it.

Step 10:  Parent says “No throwing,” and puts the object out of reach from Toddler.

Step 11:  Toddler shrieks like a barn owl.

Step 12:  Parent tries to assert authority in a firm, but gentle voice.  “We don’t throw things in this house.”

Step 13:  Toddler’s face gets red as rage intensifies.

Step 14:  Parent tries to RATIONALIZE why the toddler shouldn’t throw things in the house.  “If you throw your toys, you may break something in the house.”

Step 15:  Toddler cries harder and throws up the small breakfast that just took two hours to eat.

Step 16:  Parent tries to comfort Toddler.  “It’s okay.  I’ll clean you up.”

Step 17:  Toddler slips in puke and cries more.

Step 18:  Parent tries to peel soiled clothes from Toddler and also ends up coated in puke.

Step 19-50:  Parent wrestles slippery, wiggling, vomit-covered Toddler up the stairs and into the bathtub after nearly slipping in puke herself.  Both parties take a bath and return downstairs clean and fresh.

Step 51:  Toddler demands food.

Step 52:  Parent is uncertain about offering food so soon after vomiting, but doesn’t want Toddler to be hungry.  Parent gives Toddler a small bowl of Cheerios in the high chair.

Step 53:  Toddler knocks the bowl off the tray table, scattering Cheerios across the floor.

Step 54:  Parent reminds herself that Toddler is only two years old, and starts to sweep up the mess.

Step 55:  Toddler shrieks like a barn owl that she’s hungry.

Step 56:  Parent offers a cup of milk to toddler and HOPES TO GOD THAT SHE STOPS SHRIEKING.

Step 57:  Toddler takes two sips of milk, holds out the cup, and announces that she is “All done.”

Step 58:  Parent takes the cup and turns to take it to the counter.

Step 59:  Toddler shrieks like a barn owl.  “CUP!  CUP!  CUUUUUUPPPPPP!!!!!”

Step 60:  Parent grits teeth and returns the cup to the Toddler.

Step 61:  Toddler finishes the entire cup of milk.

Step 62:  Parent cleans up floor, relieved that the Toddler has something in her stomach.

Step 63:  Toddler repeatedly whacks the tray table with the empty sippy cup.  “Mommy!  I dumming!”

Step 64:  Parent makes the mistake of saying “Please don’t hit your table with the cup.”

Step 65:  Toddler throws the sippy cup across the room and announces that she is “All done.”

Step 66:  Parent wonders if the bottle of ibuprofen in the cupboard has expired, because her head is throbbing.

Step 67:  Toddler wiggles out of security belt straps and starts to push herself up from the high chair.  “I STUCK, MOMMY.  I STUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!”

Step 68:  Parent forgets about the Cheerios, throws down the broom, and rushes over to the toddler.  “Let me help you.”

Step 69:  Toddler hangs over the tray table and nearly tips over the high chair.

Step 70:  Parent glances at the clock and realizes that nap time is still several hours away.

Step 71:  Toddler makes a demand.  “Watch sumting  WATCH SUMTING!!!!!”

Step 72:  Parent is tempted to flip on the TV, but plasters a smile on her face instead.  “Let’s do something fun.  Who wants to draw some animals?”

Step 73:  Toddler claps her hands and seems delighted by the suggestion.

Step 74:  Parent forgets that Toddler has the attention span of a fruit fly.  Parent runs through 20 Pinterest-approved, toddler activities in 5 minutes.

Step 75:  Toddler shrieks like a barn owl.  “I HUNGWY.”

Step 76:  Parent wants to teach Toddler a lesson.  “Well, snack time is in an hour.  We’ll have to wait until then.”

Step 77:  Toddler’s shrieks escalate to the pitch of a howler monkey.

Step 78:  Parent tries to distract Toddler with older brother’s toys, since he is away at school and will have no idea.  “Let’s go play in your brother’s room.”

Step 79:  Toddler stops crying and spends the next 20 minutes wreaking havoc on older brother’s room.

Step 80:  Parent makes a mental note to clean up older brother’s room before he gets home from school.

Step 81:  Toddler hurls older brother’s favorite book across the room, breaking the binding.

Step 82:  Parent shakes head disapprovingly and uses a firm, gentle voice.  “We don’t throw books in this house.”

Step 83:  Toddler shrieks like a barn owl before throwing up all of the milk from earlier.

Steps 84-95:  Parent strips the Toddler down AGAIN, but this time, just swishes the toddler around in a tub of soapy water for 5 minutes.  They return downstairs.

Step 96:  Parent gives up, and plops toddler down in front of the TV until lunch time.

Step 97:  While Toddler is mesmerized by Barney, Parent manages to get another glass of milk and a handful of Cheerios past her guarded lips.

Step 98:  Even though it’s an hour early, Parent announces that it’s nap time.

Step 99:  Toddler shrieks like a barn owl.

Step 100:  Repeat entire process after Toddler wakes up from nap.


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