Step 1: Get A Toddler.
Step 2: Toddler asks for something (cup, spoon, toy – anything that can be weaponized.).
Step 3: Parent gives Toddler the object.
Step 4: Toddler hurls object at parent’s head.
Step 5: After getting hit, Parent shakes head disapprovingly at Toddler.
Step 6: Toddler shrieks like a barn owl.
Step 7: Parent feels guilty.
Step 8: Parent gives Toddler one more chance with the object.
Step 9: Toddler hurls object at a light fixture and chips it.
Step 10: Parent says “No throwing,” and puts the object out of reach from Toddler.
Step 11: Toddler shrieks like a barn owl.
Step 12: Parent tries to assert authority in a firm, but gentle voice. “We don’t throw things in this house.”
Step 13: Toddler’s face gets red as rage intensifies.
Step 14: Parent tries to RATIONALIZE why the toddler shouldn’t throw things in the house. “If you throw your toys, you may break something in the house.”
Step 15: Toddler cries harder and throws up the small breakfast that just took two hours to eat.
Step 16: Parent tries to comfort Toddler. “It’s okay. I’ll clean you up.”
Step 17: Toddler slips in puke and cries more.
Step 18: Parent tries to peel soiled clothes from Toddler and also ends up coated in puke.
Step 19-50: Parent wrestles slippery, wiggling, vomit-covered Toddler up the stairs and into the bathtub after nearly slipping in puke herself. Both parties take a bath and return downstairs clean and fresh.
Step 51: Toddler demands food.
Step 52: Parent is uncertain about offering food so soon after vomiting, but doesn’t want Toddler to be hungry. Parent gives Toddler a small bowl of Cheerios in the high chair.
Step 53: Toddler knocks the bowl off the tray table, scattering Cheerios across the floor.
Step 54: Parent reminds herself that Toddler is only two years old, and starts to sweep up the mess.
Step 55: Toddler shrieks like a barn owl that she’s hungry.
Step 56: Parent offers a cup of milk to toddler and HOPES TO GOD THAT SHE STOPS SHRIEKING.
Step 57: Toddler takes two sips of milk, holds out the cup, and announces that she is “All done.”
Step 58: Parent takes the cup and turns to take it to the counter.
Step 59: Toddler shrieks like a barn owl. “CUP! CUP! CUUUUUUPPPPPP!!!!!”
Step 60: Parent grits teeth and returns the cup to the Toddler.
Step 61: Toddler finishes the entire cup of milk.
Step 62: Parent cleans up floor, relieved that the Toddler has something in her stomach.
Step 63: Toddler repeatedly whacks the tray table with the empty sippy cup. “Mommy! I dumming!”
Step 64: Parent makes the mistake of saying “Please don’t hit your table with the cup.”
Step 65: Toddler throws the sippy cup across the room and announces that she is “All done.”
Step 66: Parent wonders if the bottle of ibuprofen in the cupboard has expired, because her head is throbbing.
Step 67: Toddler wiggles out of security belt straps and starts to push herself up from the high chair. “I STUCK, MOMMY. I STUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!”
Step 68: Parent forgets about the Cheerios, throws down the broom, and rushes over to the toddler. “Let me help you.”
Step 69: Toddler hangs over the tray table and nearly tips over the high chair.
Step 70: Parent glances at the clock and realizes that nap time is still several hours away.
Step 71: Toddler makes a demand. “Watch sumting WATCH SUMTING!!!!!”
Step 72: Parent is tempted to flip on the TV, but plasters a smile on her face instead. “Let’s do something fun. Who wants to draw some animals?”
Step 73: Toddler claps her hands and seems delighted by the suggestion.
Step 74: Parent forgets that Toddler has the attention span of a fruit fly. Parent runs through 20 Pinterest-approved, toddler activities in 5 minutes.
Step 75: Toddler shrieks like a barn owl. “I HUNGWY.”
Step 76: Parent wants to teach Toddler a lesson. “Well, snack time is in an hour. We’ll have to wait until then.”
Step 77: Toddler’s shrieks escalate to the pitch of a howler monkey.
Step 78: Parent tries to distract Toddler with older brother’s toys, since he is away at school and will have no idea. “Let’s go play in your brother’s room.”
Step 79: Toddler stops crying and spends the next 20 minutes wreaking havoc on older brother’s room.
Step 80: Parent makes a mental note to clean up older brother’s room before he gets home from school.
Step 81: Toddler hurls older brother’s favorite book across the room, breaking the binding.
Step 82: Parent shakes head disapprovingly and uses a firm, gentle voice. “We don’t throw books in this house.”
Step 83: Toddler shrieks like a barn owl before throwing up all of the milk from earlier.
Steps 84-95: Parent strips the Toddler down AGAIN, but this time, just swishes the toddler around in a tub of soapy water for 5 minutes. They return downstairs.
Step 96: Parent gives up, and plops toddler down in front of the TV until lunch time.
Step 97: While Toddler is mesmerized by Barney, Parent manages to get another glass of milk and a handful of Cheerios past her guarded lips.
Step 98: Even though it’s an hour early, Parent announces that it’s nap time.
Step 99: Toddler shrieks like a barn owl.
Step 100: Repeat entire process after Toddler wakes up from nap.